Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You ate ashes out of my bong
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
