Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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