Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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