oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I think I died a long time ago.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
