I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
