just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
