In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
