Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
