I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
His nipple licking is glorious
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