He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
barbara walters just said penis...
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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