How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
