listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Randomize
