Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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