So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize