I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
