Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
