Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
