Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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