WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
