last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
