Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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