"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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