Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
