I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
