There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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