she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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