I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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