she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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