my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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