my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
