So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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