can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
