Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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