I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
