Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
