when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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