Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
