Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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