my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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