He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
