we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
