I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
