i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
