You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
