I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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