i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
So much Jack, so little girl.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
