I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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