peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
