YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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