I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
