i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize