Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
