Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
