I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
