Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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