We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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